I love God, but some days I just get really angry at Him. I am lucky enough to have been a member of a couple of churches that talk about being angry at God, and don’t try to push it under the rug. But it is a hard emotion to feel when all I want to feel is love and gratefulness for all I know I have been given.
Today I was driving to work, and I was just flooded with a great feeling of anger. I am so mad that I have to live with pain every day. That mornings start with a sea of pills that often include at least 2 Advil. That I know the only way to stop the pain is to get absorbed in something else so that I am distracted and not aware of the pain. That I can’t stand for long periods of time.
I am so mad that I can’t eat certain things I like anymore, like oranges. And that tomatoes, and tomato sauce, are on the no no list. That I have to plan everyday thinking about when I will be able to go to the bathroom. That I don’t have the freedom to drink whenever I need to, because there might not be a bathroom, or because I will be working with a student. That I may end up in a lot of pain if a bathroom isn’t nearby. That travel plans, and even weekend plans have to revolve around the toilet.
I am so mad that I feel tired a lot of the time. That even though I can usually make it through a work week, I often crash and need to sleep all weekend long. That I can’t get enough done on the weekends to make up for what I didn’t have enough energy to do during the week. That even when I make it through, sometimes all I really want is a nap.
I have learned to practice gratefulness, and indeed I am grateful for many things. But today I am just mad at God that He has allowed this to happen to me. That He has allowed it to happen to others. It isn’t fair (Yes, I know life is not fair). I have so much rage about my condition sometimes that I don’t even know what to do with it. I know that this too shall pass, as it has come and gone before. But today, I am just mad.