This time of life passes quickly, I remind myself. Spending too many days wanting tomorrow to come because today hurts doesn’t slow down this journey. I had another goodbye today. A temporary one, my best friend came for a visit and had to go home to New Mexico where she lives. I hate goodbyes.
Some people have a natural tendency to live in the present, to be in the moment. I am not one of those people. I think they are the lucky ones. Some people dwell on the past. I go there and make visits, but I am not one of those people. I am part of the group who lives planning for tomorrow. Maybe I just like to be one step ahead. But more likely I just want to feel like I have some sort of control about where I am going, even though I only have partial control. And often I just don’t want to be in today because some part of me is holding out hope that tomorrow I will feel better. But the truth is, when I look at it, I often don’t feel as bad today as I think I do.
As children, I think it is a normal thing to want to grow up and experience the things of the adult world. And I remember adults telling me something along the lines of “enjoy today because you have it all right now”. And now, as I am forty minus one month, I understand why they told me that, and why adults tell kids that today. Because, when I look back at who I was then, hearing that message from many, I did have it all. Or at least, a lot more than I realized.
In my twenties, I spent a lot of my time waiting for tomorrow because I was unhappy being single, and I thought that life started when you got married. I wish I could go back and tell myself to snap to, be here now, enjoy loved ones that are here now, because they won’t always be here. They say youth is wasted on the young, and recently I began to understand. Perhaps it is. When you are a teen and often into your 20s you think that living, being present here on this earth, is just the way it is. But it’s not.
Everybody has a time of life when they grow up. For some, it is going off to school or getting their first job. For some, getting married, buying a house, making a home. For others, becoming parents. And then there are those of us that grow up when we are brushed with the knowledge that this living, and being present on this earth is but a shadow in the taste of things that are, and that will be. It was not the loss of either one of my grandmothers that taught me this, although I suppose it gave me a glimpse.
It was the loss of my Bennie: https://wingslikeeaglesinthedesert.wordpress.com/2013/03/17/you-are-my-sunshine/
And then a year later, at almost the same time, my grandfather: https://wingslikeeaglesinthedesert.wordpress.com/2013/03/03/promise-me-youll-always-remember-youre-braver-than-you-believe/
And the following Christmas, the loss of of my Buddy cat:https://wingslikeeaglesinthedesert.wordpress.com/2013/05/04/he-aint-heavy-hes-her-brother/
I know now I am just bits and pieces of what I was before all that, although new pieces are being added back in. My dog Layla, my puppy Maggie, my wonderful sister in law, a new second cousin named after my grandfather.
I have heard life speeds up as you get older. I thought folks were kidding. They aren’t. So with loss, some of us are lucky enough to have renewed appreciation for today, even with holes in our souls. What a blessing to still see my friend every year or two, miles apart, for over 20 years. What a gift from God to be able to have the time and money to do that. What a blessing to have a loving husband and his family, my parents, my brother, my sister in law. My extended family, my good friends. My 4 furry friends.
This time of life passes quickly.