So, I have been wrestling with God. The past year has been a bit of a doozer. Or should I say bulldozer. The ground that is my life just got plowed through, huge piles of soul just dug up, tossed elsewhere, leaving huge gaping holes in my landscape. Since this landscaping idea was not my idea at all, I have been a bit put out.
Why did God let this happen? The landscape was fine the way it was.Why couldn’t He leave well enough alone?
The shifting soil was so unsettling to me, I did the only thing I thought I could. I withdrew into myself, wrapped myself in a cocoon, and went into hibernation. I slipped out to eat, to go to work, and, admittedly less than I needed to, to go to church. So much of the rest of me just went to sleep. I was so tired I didn’t even know how weary I was until I started to wake up again.
I have been known to argue with God. In fact, it is a somewhat regular occurrence in our relationship. But I wasn’t arguing. In fact, for the most part we weren’t talking. I was mad. But I couldn’t feel it. I was anesthetized. Being mad at God isn’t the worse thing. Not feeling His presence and being so paralyzed you don’t even know you don’t feel it is.
And then God jolted me awake. Which felt pretty much like being dropped into ice cold water at 4 in the morning when it is 20 below. You know the date, it’s been the subject of my last two blog posts.
So, perhaps I should explain a little more about my relationship with God. And about what work He asks me to do (besides my service to students with disabilities). And I am going to borrow the wording from something I wrote to explain this to someone earlier this evening. It goes something like this.
Throughout my life I have found myself called on, sometimes with extreme urgency, to pray. It has taken me awhile to get used to this. In this process, I have had to learn that sometimes the information I am given in order to intercede isn’t common knowledge. Sometimes it’s things I would have no earthly way of knowing, short of God. And, because I have a tendency to be just flat out open and honest, what I tell others about what I know freaks them out a little. Or a lot. So I mostly leave my yapper shut these days and just pray. We will put the emphasis on the mostly.
It has been a large burden on my heart, and a driving force in my nights and days to pray for all of those affected by the tornado. Sometimes this has been very specific, and for specific people. Sometimes it has been more general. More often everything in between. It has been part of me as I shift from awake to asleep and back awake again. And although it is mostly for others (I pray for myself and my own experiences through this as well), it has been the most profound gift God has given me in a long time. Because I can feel again. And God is near again.
But, being open and honest, I have tried to tell God in no uncertain terms that I’m not cut out for this. Who am I that I should be tasked with the awesome responsibility of interceding for others? I am just a still small voice with a broken body and very little to offer.
Why me God?
This question has been asked of Him many times in the past 3 1/2 months.
And, because jolted awake I now hear clearly, He tells me.
Because you said yes. I asked. And you said yes.
We are still wrestling God and I. But I said yes, and I honor my commitments.
” A voice of one calling:
“In the wilderness prepare
the way for the Lord;
make straight in the desert
a highway for our God.
4 Every valley shall be raised up,
every mountain and hill made low;
the rough ground shall become level,
the rugged places a plain.
5 And the glory of the Lord will be revealed,
and all people will see it together.
For the mouth of the Lord has spoke”
Isaiah 40: 3-5