When God called my name this time, I said yes. I know it was the right answer. I just didn’t understand what I was saying yes to. And right now, I just feel so small compared to the task laid out before me. I see the task, it is pretty clear to me.
But it is over there.
And I am over here.
And I am so confused. This is so big.
And this week I bought the farm. Because I am tired. And I am sad. And I am angry.
And for every step I take forward, I feel a very powerful resistance pressing back against me. I hear this voice whispering in my ear: “you aren’t good enough.” I am so small, why did you ask this of me God?
So let’s say with parts of the task I did well. Very well. Or should I say I saw quick results, people responded, and it made sense. Isn’t that how it is always supposed to be?
Well, no. So here I am living in a state of disconsternation. And yes, I know that isn’t officially a version of that word.I have always been known for making my own words up.
Why have you sent me to intercede for the people and the place you have sent me God?
Why have you showed me the things you have showed me?
They are so beautiful God. They are so loved. And yet they don’t know they are beautiful. And they have no idea how very very much you love them. You have shown me how much you love them. How much you long to bring to them Home. Not just back to their tornado torn town physically. But to you, to your heart. I want to show them what you have shown me. I have never felt such love in my life. But I have no earthly idea how to help them see or how to help them hear.
No earthly idea. I know. This isn’t from this earth. It is from you, dear Father. Heaven has reached down to them, because they trusted you. They believed in you. They held strong when others wanted them to turn away. They did not deny you publicly. They held you high. And you are honoring that. But they are so very tired God. Tired from all the work that goes into rebuilding a city that has been ravaged. They have held together. They have not turned away from you in anger. But they are just so tired. And when we are tired, it is hard to see things for what they really are.
You have sent me driving in their streets to pray. Walking on their sidewalks to pray. Kneeling down on the lawn downtown to petition you to rain down manna from Heaven so that they can bring their people home. You have showed me their laughter, and their joy. You have showed me their tears and their pain. And I must admit, I feel like I may have stepped a little too far off the deep end.
But I know I haven’t. I recognize your voice God. In that, you trained me well.
But I am so small God. You called me by name for this task. And I said yes.
And I am confused. This is just so big. Show me how to show them. How important they are to you. Let them know what they are seeing now is only the beginning of the great things you have in store.
“At that time I will gather you;
at that time I will bring you home.
I will give you honor and praise
among all the peoples of the earth
when I restore your fortunes[e]
before your very eyes,”
says the Lord.”