Friends, you never know what it is that is going to break you wide open. You might think you do, but when something like that happens, perhaps you, like me, are surprised at what it was, or even when it was. Completed unexpectedly, I have become undone.
Last week I was at a town event, and at the end, I was talking to a local pastor who I know is a gifted prayer warrior. I got in a conversation with him, and then mentioned to him that a friend had suggested I go visit his church, because it might be a place where I could find a home for my intercessory prayer and prophetic gifts. I have felt really lost and isolated the past couple years because of them. I need training in them, and I need to meet people like me. We see the world differently when we have these gifts. That friend was standing next to me, and confirmed to the pastor that this was, in fact, true, that I was gifted that way. I then said something else to the pastor, and he was led to pray for me. Right down there in front of people!!!
And then something happened that broke me. Because it was time.
My friend made me look at him (because if you don’t know me in person, I will admit I have a lot of trouble with eye contact, and always have). And said: “I like you just the way you are, the real you.” And then we probably said something else, and the conversation ended. I barely made it out the door before I lost it. And I snapped into thousands of pieces.
I am quite sure that was God speaking through my friend to me. And it was exactly what I needed to hear. From a person I truly needed to hear it from.
Despite the appearance I may present, I worry a lot about what people think of me. Because my whole life I have been different from “the norm”, and as such, have been all too aware that I don’t “fit in”. I have always been on the outside looking in. For the most part, this has been OK with me. I like me. But the truth is, it does hurt. A lot more than I want to admit. I long to be real with people, but I live in a world that doesn’t do “real” very well. We create images and live behind masks, and those of us who dare to do otherwise often find ourselves alone.
It took a few days to process, and then Monday morning, at about 5:00 am (before work, because that is the best time for this to happen), 43 years of pain and self rejection just began to spill out in tears and in prayers. And for the first time ever, I really, truly knew that God loves me JUST THE WAY I AM. He made me me for a reason. He took time to create me, and time to mold me. He doesn’t want me to be like the world. He wants me to be like Him. And just be me.
I have a feeling this undoing is going to take awhile. After all, it took 43 years to build up. But isn’t our God great? He keeps after us, pursuing us relentlessly with His love, even when we are so jaded we don’t, or can’t see it. He chisels away at our hard exteriors in a way only He can. He who has promised is faithful.
I have become undone.